Kelly is almost 40 weeks pregnant.  Her belly is growing every day.  We feel our baby kicking more and more and with each day that passes, we get a little bit more excited than the last. It’s a very emotional time for both of us, though Kelly cries a lot more than I do.The road here was long and difficult.  But after two failed pregnancies and lots of heartache, we wound up here.

This is Kelly’s third pregnancy and I sort of feel like we were robbed in a way.  Like we missed out on that feeling of happiness parents-to-be experience when they first learn they are going to be parents.  We had that once, what seems like forever ago, when Kelly first learned she was pregnant in late August of 2012.  It was a Sunday night.  Kelly’s sister and brother-in-law were over.  I was doing a Fantasy Football Draft (why wouldn’t I be?)  We weren’t trying.  So we were truly surprised.  So after a pregnancy test, we learned of the good news.  Kelly cried, as did I, and we shared a really great moment together.  As most people would do, we called our parents, told them the news, and that night we laid in bed; partially excited, mostly terrified.  It wasn’t until 8 weeks later that we learned that Kelly had miscarried around week 6.  Though she didn’t have an actual “physical” miscarriage, the baby stopped growing and there was no heartbeat.

A few months later, we learned Kelly was pregnant again.  This time we were trying.  We were excited, but still rather worried, for obvious reasons.  I actually felt a little more excited because I thought to myself, “there is no way that is going to happen again.”  A few weeks later, another miscarriage.  I felt pretty angry, angry at everyone.  Angry at people who had kids.  Angry at people who had kids that would tell us how great it is to have kids, or ask us why we don’t have kids yet.  Or tell us, “well, once you have kids, you’ll understand.”  Or tout about how kids “changed their lives,” and how their “lives had no meaning until we had kids.”  I always felt bad for women who said that.  How shitty must that make your husband feel?  And how shitty is your life?  Sure, children would be great and certainly life changing, but I had everything I needed already.

My life always had meaning, but I really came alive when I met Kelly.  And again when I asked her to marry me, and again when she said I do on our wedding day, and all of the time in between.  Every time she had to be around people with kids, or get one of those questions, my heart would break for her.  And a little piece of me would want to jump in and say, “we’re just waiting for the right time,” but another little piece of me would want to say “it’s none of your business”, and promptly punch them in the face.  But Kelly would just smile and give an answer like, “soon,” or, “probably in a few months.”  She handled it with such grace, and I love her for that.  We learned the true definition of what it actually means to feel like shit.  But we dealt with it, and we overcame.

We were tired, and I don’t think we have ever felt more defeated in our lives.  And I wasn’t sure if trying again was something I would want to do for fear of having to go through that again.  I played the role I thought the husband was supposed to play; I dealt with it on my own and supported Kelly with whatever she needed.  We both dealt with a lot of emotion during that time, but Kelly had to deal with the actual physical pain, which I had a hard time witnessing.  Mostly because I felt completely useless because there was nothing I could do for her.  Maybe just being there was enough?  Maybe it wasn’t.  I hope it was.

We don’t know why that happened to us twice.  We were medically cleared of anything that could potentially cause that, two pregnancies and doctors confirmed that both of us are in working order in the sex parts department, so who knows?  Maybe God was testing us to make sure this was something we really wanted.  Maybe we were just unlucky.  Regardless, it made us stronger, and more importantly, we were lucky enough to get this far with the hopes that we can make it a little further and have a healthy baby.

Stay tuned…